Mahler 2 has become an occasion piece, a super-sized version of Night on Bald Mountain or the kick-ass version of Sleigh Ride by Leroy Anderson. It gets trotted out when someone’s retiring or leaving a band or for a season finale spectacular. It shares this distinction with Beethoven 9, a nice bit of completely unintended symmetry for what was Mahler’s obvious symphonic model.

There are obviously many factors at work here, from budgets to schedules to audience feedback, but ultimately it leads to the work in question being corrupted in some way by its continued placement in its designated zone. It’s the functional symphonic equivalent of “selling out,” only the composer (in this case) doesn’t get to make that decision. Mahler’s Second Symphony contains obvious programmatic elements, but a century later its extramusical connotations include more than some program notes and a great story about the Klopstock Ode – now it also means “it’s the end of an era, y’all!”

There are certainly mutations of this same strain of idea. I recall when Barenboim left Chicago he did so by conducting the Ninth Symphonies of Beethoven, Bruckner, and Mahler on consecutive evenings, a self-important vanity fuck of unchecked ego directly in the bullet-riddled corpse of good taste. An important news flash: these bands will be here when you’ve moved on to your next gig, and you will undoubtedly have a next gig. If you’re retiring…I’m perhaps a bit more understanding. If Bernard Haitink decides he wants to retire next month and go out in a blaze of Mahlerian glory as the last thing he EVER conducts on the face of this Earth? There might be a waiver for that.

There are dozens and dozens of works that could suitably meet the following criteria:

is awesome
ends with balls
shows off the band

Any of the symphonies of Brahms or Schumann. Most of the Beethoven symphonies. Half the Shostakovich symphonies. Sinfonia da Requiem. Tschaikovsky 4 or 5. Several works by Ravel. Sibelius Fucking 7.

Presumably if you performed, say, Schumann 2 enough times in a “OH GOD IT’S OVER!” context, perhaps it too would end up with the same association that Mahler 2 now suffers from. It seems unlikely, though, based solely on scope and sheer volume of performers. But let’s be real here: Schumann 2, to use that example, would be a baller ass way to go – it meets all three of the above criteria in fucking spades – and it could just be a cool concert, not a God damn funeral-cum-rebirth. I’m reminded of Leonard Bernstein’s final concert, which he had no control over due to, you know, dying: Four Sea Interludes and Beethoven 7. Awesome, and not laden with bullshit symbolism.

There’s another really easy solution to this problem, too. One of the greatest composers who ever lived wrote a fairly popular symphony that carries an appropriate subtitle and was deliberately composed with the symbolism that this entire exercise seeks to create. Why not turn every conductor’s departure from his or her respective band into a Haydn 45 contest? It shows off the band (admittedly a condensed version relative to our current conception), it ends with balls (not musical ones, but sure as shit extramusical ones), and it is most definitely awesome. I’m gonna keep my fingers crossed for this, and not just from the Baroque and Classical “specialists.”

What a way to go. Into the darkness with the sweet strains of a single violin to take you there. Let’s not overthink things.

Driving down here I did an experiment that I entitled “Will Bruckner and Sibelius Symphonies Make Me Hate Texas Less?” and I have to say, the results are encouraging. The contention that classical music, even raucous classical music, is something to be experienced in a moment of contemplation or repose is something that I think I officially don’t agree with. It was fun as hell to roll the windows down (or at least push a button to make them go down) and crank up the finale of Bruckner 8 or Sibelius 2 – no less fun than cranking up The Black Keys or Radiohead or Geto Boys or The Mills Brothers.

I think it’s pretty obvious that I don’t give a fuck about the conventions associated with classical music, and I probably realized this all along, but it really hit me somewhere in the vacuous wasteland that natives call Oklahoma. By the way, I’m from Kansas City! Tangent: I’m listening to the “Wo ist er…” bit from Salome, and I have to say, this cover photo of Birgit Nilsson is freaking me out.

WTF

She looks like a drag queen version of Brendan Gleeson taking a shit in the middle of a Moroccan restaurant, which is actually less fucked up than Salome now that I think about it. Anyway, I just want to say definitively, on the record and for the record, that classical music, while capable of generating tidal waves of emotion and requiring serious concentration to fully appreciate, can also just be a hell of a way to cruise the Interstate Highway System.

Also, I’m still here. Thanks for sticking around.