Back in the day, I did a podcast with some e-friends over at 49ersnews.com. Some of the time we talked football, especially how awful the 49ers were (and still are!), but we would always end up talking about some other random shit. I remember wonderful nights of calling James’ son Bobby even though his name was Billy. I remember doing a segment where I would drink whatever horrible thing I could find at 7-11 (which is how I ended up being the only person in America who ever drank Coca-Cola Blak, which was a) Coke mixed with coffee and b) as bad as it sounds). At some point I went on an 11-minute rant about the handicapped, the mentally challenged, and little people that I’m both ridiculously proud and incredibly ashamed of (mostly proud, though).
This was when I was a freelance musician up in the Pacific Northwest, which is to say I had a lot more time to kill. This made me the designated sound dude for the podcast. Using primitive sound editing software and a sense of humor best described as off-kilter and worst described as “you are a fucking asshole,” I filled the gaps in the show with fake commercials and whatnot. Perhaps the best example is this one for Larry Mac’s House of Ribs and Abortions:
A few points to consider:
- Can’t Hardly Stand It by Charlie Feathers for the win. This is the second consecutive post that has used a numbered list, and also the second consecutive that proves that Quentin Tarantino has at least acceptable taste in music
- My accent is a revelation, a sort of mash-up between Boss Hogg and Boomhauer
- How much more open to the prospect of abortion would the people of Texas be if it came with barbeque beans and spicy cole slaw?
- Boneless country-style ribs rolls out of the mouth nicely
- YOU CAN’T BEAT THAT DEAL!
Much more entertaining to me than the fake commercials was compiling the intro and outro montages, which sound about as “professional” as Michelle Bachman does “not completely insane.” I wanted to use classical music because I figured if I mixed it with random stupid quotes from previous shows, it would be entertaining and make us seem incredibly important somehow. I remember that each show ended with the last 20 seconds or so of the “Cum sancto spiritu” from the Mass in B minor, because nothing is more exciting than a piccolo trumpet having a seizure of awesome.
Eventually, we ended up calling the show “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” (three guesses as to which one was me!), which meant that I felt obligated to use that theme music (good as it is) for the intro in lieu of my original conception. But thanks to the power of me forgetting that I still had it sitting in a folder on my external hard drive, we can now hear it in all its shitty glory:
A few things:
- What is it about Bach that gets the comedy juices flowing?
- For those wondering, the piece is the St. Anne Fugue arranged by Schoenberg; the performance is a clip from a broadcast of the Oregon Symphony conducted by Carlos Kalmar
- Bestiality is best
Loose classical connection, yes, but those were fun times.