Hans von Bulow, Facebook, and the art of obscuring reality



There’s an old joke with a hundred different iterations, but the gist of it is as follows:

This man goes into a bar in a small town. He gets himself a drink and sits down in the corner by the fire. A few minutes later another man walks in, and the bartender sees him and says “Cocksucker Mike!” The man says, “That’s fine, thanks,” takes his drink and goes and sits down. The first guy’s watching, thinking, “what the hell is that about?”

Yet another man is leaving the bar and he bumps into the other guy and says “Sorry Cocksucker Mike, didn’t see you there.”

Another few minutes go by, and a UPS truck pulls up. The UPS guy walks in and says “Cocksucker Mike! I thought I’d find you here! Can you sign for this?!”

Our man is obsessed, he can’t contain himself. He goes over says, “I have to ask you, how the hell did you get such a name?” Cocksucker Mike says, “Well, I grew up in this town. I had a wonderful job, a great business, I gave money to charity, sent my kids to college, made good money, married a beautiful woman. Had the respect of the whole town, and all the nearby towns, too. But you suck one cock…” Continue reading

Bartok, Berlioz, and breakups: classical music comes through in a pinch

Nice bangs bruh.

Bangs = mad chicks. I’ve got work to do.

This past weekend my relationship ended with the cosmic whimper of a thousand kittens getting curb-stomped, the end of the best and worst 6 1/2 years of my life. Breaking up is a process, and I imagine it could be long, tumultuous, and ugly depending on the hour, but in the early stages it’s almost exclusively about hearing songs that up until three days ago you just enjoyed and now can’t listen to without losing your shit (current example: “Who’s Lovin’ You?” by the Jackson 5, a brilliantly written song with young Michael at his apex as a singer that I skillfully ignored the lyrics to for years until now). I have no scientific evidence to back up this claim, but I suspect that breakup songs, in some form or another, constitute an even larger percentage of the musical lexicon than hookup songs, and now is the time for me to listen to “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday” on loop and cry myself to sleep only to wake up the next morning and start in with “End of the Road” because I don’t have the emotional energy to stand up and remove this Boyz II Men Greatest Hits CD.

Thank God there’s classical music. Continue reading