Showdown: Blahzay Blahzay vs. Mystikal

The Contestants:

blahzayBlahzay Blahzay was a 2-man rap group consisting of DJ PF Cuttin’ and Outloud. There’s a distinct likelihood you’ve never heard of them as they only released one album, though they are featured on a track from the very good posthumous Ol’ Dirty Bastard mixtape Osirus from 2005 (remind me to write something about “Dirty Dirty” sometime, one of the best beats I’ve ever heard).

MystikalMystikal was a rapper from New Orleans who peaked with 2000’s Let’s Get Ready. You’ve almost assuredly heard of him because he’s the guy that did “Shake Ya Ass,” which is EVERYWHERE. You’re probably thinking it’s been quite a while though, and it has, because he served six years in prison for making his hairstylist perform sex acts on him (and here I thought that was part of the famous Aveda Institute method).

The Rep:


There’s something about the word “danger” that has inspired a tremendous amount of quality music, from the Kenny Loggins masterpiece “Danger Zone” to the legendary in my world “Danger High Voltage” of Electric Six. Danger is defined as the possibility of suffering harm or injury, so you know there’s a great chance shit’s about to get real real.


The Showdown:

Who’s more dangerous? There’s a lot of factors to consider, and prison time is not one of them. Lyrics, flow, beats, everything. I don’t proclaim to be an expert on hip-hop, but I do proclaim to be an expert on needless comparisons, and we’ve got ourselves set up for a great one here. Let’s do this.

The case for Blahzay Blahzay:

First of all, Yo! MTV Raps you guys! This beat is amazing, with a pretty straightforward backbeat, that awesome syncopated hammond organ sound, and whatever that dude humming is. It’s almost impossible to NOT do that head bounce thing that good beats bring out of living human beings with this song. Outloud has tremendous flow, a little reminiscent of Scarface from Geto Boys to my ears. I’m lukewarm on the rhymes overall, with the best lines probably being “Shouting to your people trying to bless your spot, but we don’t believe that ‘cuz CBS tells a lot, on who got shot, and who does all the crime, and you knew it all the time.” On the other hand, a chorus of “When the East is in the house (oh my God)…Danger!” certainly conveys a reasonable threat level. Also, look everybody, it’s Fat Joe I think!

The case for Mystikal:

DISCLAIMER: There was a time when they played videos on television. During those days it was common to make alternate versions of songs that weren’t overrun with bleeps and silences but instead overrun with terrible word exchanges that essentially ruin the song as I care to know it. Suffice it to say, this is one of those songs. All you need to know about the video is that Mystikal is in the desert wearing an enormous sweater and a suede suit (no shit danger, you fucking idiot!) and riding bitch on a motorcycle. I YEARN FOR THOSE DAYS!

This is a superb beat, courtesy of The Neptunes (who have a shitload of good beat to their name). I personally don’t know another rap song with what’s essentially an island beat with bongos, guitar, and the occasional synth oboe note. It’s such an interesting contrast in styles between the beat, which is so relaxed and laid back, and Mystikal, who seems incapable of relaxation on a human level. I can really only handle him in small doses, and I cannot and will not listen to an entire album in one sitting because I don’t like being yelled at if I can avoid it. He’s got some pretty impressive verbal gymnastics in the first verse, and this song does include the words “and if I tell you it’s the shit then BITCH THAT’S WHAT IT IS!” which I am strongly considering making the tag line to this blog (votes welcome below). I wish I had enough confidence in my sexual abilities to call myself “The Pussy Cutter” and tell other men that I “make your woman drawers melt like butter,” but I do not.

The Winner: 

In some ways this is a decision between the two primary tenets of rap music, letting people know you’re a bad ass and letting people know you’re really good at fucking. As a subset of rap in general, I prefer the violent streak to the incredibly narcissistic sexual one if only because it’s a world I know nothing about (the number of people I’ve had sex with is higher than the number of people whose asses I kicked, in that the latter number is zero AND THE FIRST NUMBER IS WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW OH YOU DON’T GIVE A SHIT NEVER MIND THEN). Furthermore, there’s something about rap and hip-hop from about 1991 to 1997 or so that can’t be replicated no matter how hard some people try now. Those were such amazing times for the genre that a song as awesome as Blahzay Blahzay’s can essentially disappear because there’s just too much good shit from the era. Therefore:


Blahzay Blahzay (and also my adolescence), champion


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